She finishes her report and calls us in for the reveal. Lawyer is the only one of us that can make the meeting. You know with me pulling together all the kids need for the last week of school and her wanting to meet at o-crack-thirty and all. They meet and he comes home to give me all the results.
She has a list of things for us to absorb and then she moves on to social interaction. He has scored way above any of her charts on his ability to interact socially. I could have told you that without any testing! Have you seen his gift list for school ... ( I let the kids chose who needs happies at the holidays)
After JCrew we walked over to Borders and got Little Mister some books for Christmas. It was another success. Lots of "yes ma'ams", bows, cute little outfits and perfect little smiles. I was happy as a clam.
That is until I am checking out at Borders and ordering a nonfat Latte at Seattle's Best. I am standing there with the two little cuties. The lady in front of me looks at them and then says to me ...
"so, were you trying for a boy?"
The birds stopped chirping and Snow White stopped singing ...
Is that EVER appropriate? Hell to the no ... and just because I am bloated and smiling with a glow does not make me or anyone else PREGNANT!!!
And your giggling with your friend in the corner whilst you get your coffee condom and lid does not make your conversation private and you any less tacky!!!
Cuz you suck!!!!!
It never occurred to me that people do it with my family as well. That is until this morning when Monogrammed Tahoe was venting about her life. She was commenting on Lawyer and how easy going, happy go lucky he was.
Seriously? My tight ass, grumpy husband looks easy going and laid back to others? Now that is just funny ...
... especially since I hear him screaming at someone on the phone upstairs and pacing ...
No ... Alex P. Keaton is anything but laid back and happy go lucky! But, he is brilliant, dedicated and will get you out of any mess you get in to your benefit ...
... that is what 4th in your class in law school will get you!
Was it always this crazy? Or does it just get crazier each year? Will the holidays ever be laid back and easy?
The place was packed and bustling with business. The Lucky Buck line was super long so I skipped out on getting a Latte. Just got my goods and headed out.
As I was leaving the store I heard a couple going over their shopping list. She was listing out the things they had left to pick up and he was standing there with a blank stare. She was getting more and more frustrated by the moment and he still just stood there. Just as I walked out the sliding door I heard her lose her cool.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like ... "just go and pick out a f***ing shirt!!"
Today was no exception ... just add in a little holiday flair (Nick & Nora red dog pjs) and a black down puffer vest for the 30 degree weather ...
Oh yes ... I rock it at the bus stop!!! All those years in fashion have made me a star!!
And what do you look like at 7:18 am in the driveway of your house ...
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper … a bag does not look as good with a bow and a tie on! And where will I add my gift tag … seriously the bag sucks!
2. Tree--Real or Artificial? Fake … and I hate it. But what do you do when you marry an asthmatic? He seemed upset when I suggested he move out for the month of December …
3. When do you put Christmas tree up? I would say the Saturday after Thanksgiving but this year I have too many orders to make another mess this week! So … this year it will be a week late!
4. When do you take the tree down? Epiphany … family tradition! Did I mention I grew up Catholic … it was a big holiday in my house! All my friends think I am weird with a capital W!!
5. Like eggnog? I love it! Add a little fresh nutmeg and you had me at egg!
6. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes... Two! And baby Jesus does not make his entrance until Christmas morning!
7. Favorite gift received as a child? Nothing sticks out … maybe that’s a problem!
8. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad … he is way too practical!
9. Easiest person to buy for? My kids! (and the most fun!!)
10. Worst Christmas gift? A large bag of pistachios bought on Christmas Eve by Lawyer! He swears they were a great deal. Cuz that is what I base all of my gifts on … their great value!
11. Mail or email a Christmas card? Mail! I would be offended if someone emailed theirs to me! And what would I do … print it out?
12. Favorite Christmas movie? Anything they play on Lifetime this time of the year … I am a sap!
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? The day after Thanksgiving! Usually finish then too … it is shopping on crack … love it!
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Hell to the … well maybe!
15. Favorite food to eat on Christmas? Paula Dean’s French Toast casserole on Christmas morning!
16. Lights on tree? My tree is on crack … I am on the Martha Stewart plan … 100 lights for every foot! Plus a million more!!
17. Favorite Christmas Song? I love my Ralph Lauren Christmas CD!!!
18. Travel during Christmas or Stay home? I love to stay home … my favorite thing to do is spend Christmas morning alone with just us and then add in family after lunch!
19. Can you name Santa's reindeer's? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, & Rudolph
20. Angel or Star on Tree top? Big fat juicy bow!!
21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? One special gift on Christmas Eve and the rest on Christmas morning!
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The word x-mas … really who came up with that one?
23. Favorite ornament? My Happy Birthday Jesus that sits right up front!
24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Pink bike from Target, Crackberry (I am convinced I will be less stressed out), Laptop and lots of Lucky Buck cards!
Just make sure that you wait for the shift change to head back to Starbucks for your second Cranberry Bliss Bar of the day.
That way they will think you have only stopped in once!
Last night I had a dream. We decided to redo our kitchen. We had gutted it and were just starting construction. Now keep in mind she and I have the exact same house. Same floor plan. Pretty much identical!
She hired a well known cabinet guy ... I hired Tina my UPS driver.
What the hell was I thinking?
Found these today at Nordstrom's ... this will be my present to myself once the house is decorated, the gifts are bought and the shopping is done!
Hold on babies ... I will be back for you!
How about the decorating and the wrapping???? Oh, I just love it. Last year I started wrapping each person's gifts in their own paper and then leaving off the names under the tree. The kids always try and guess whose paper is whose ... but I can be sneaky! You just never know who will be getting the plaid paper and who will be getting the pink and green trees.
Little Mister is totally different. He is a lover. He is a softie for a girl with yellow hair. He is smooth and seems to prefer older girls. Last year he spent the time waiting for the bus hanging with the fourth and fifth grade girls. One day he will be Little Lawyer's wing man.
He has always had tons of girl friends and now has a "girl friend". Her name is Juliet and she is too cute for words. This afternoon he decided to write her a love note. Totally his idea and the spelling is a little off ...
It says ...
Too frickin cute ... but my favorite was Little Lawyer's comment ... "Why would he be writing a
letter to a girl? What is he thinking?"
The day is looking better!
As a mother those are harsh words. Really ... my wife went home? The woman who has cared for me all week had something better to do? The nerve! She is so on top of things that she washed the clothes I laid out for the next day. Not kidding ... I laid out an outfit the night before to do a trunk show at Clemsongirl's house and the next morning the clothes were gone. Washed and folded in the laundry basket. Not that they were dirty ... I had just taken them out of the closet for the next day, but as she says ... "Clean clothes are put away, not laying around." So there you go.
So today I was all alone and it was rough. Not that the kids were rough but the thought that my loving little mommy that has been my wife all week has left me. And to top it off ... we are out of coffee. I know I am braving the day without my crack. Not gonna be a good one!
I am sad!
I have made an observation ... men look better dressed in scrubs. Add some scrubs and a lab coat with an embroidered name and you are instantly better looking. Could be I assume you are smart, well educated and high up the pay scale or could be that you just look better. Either way I vote for the scrubs.
Does make my frequent trips more fun ...
June Cleaver took Babycakes for the night (she is an angel!) and Little Lawyer got himself up, dressed and off to school. Even chased the naughty dog down the street when he escaped! Easy peasy procedure. Surgery ten minutes, wake up, juice, lots of love ... home and sleep for the day. Or so they say ...
He had an allergic reaction to the Versed they gave him to get rid of the freak outs he was having before the surgery. He decided he no longer wanted to stay to have his ears washed out. Me neither but no one was asking me. Once again ... just saying.
So they took him into surgery ... that was not fun, but he fell asleep quickly ... and then returned Satan. He freaked out so much they had to get the anesthesiologist out of another surgery to consult. If you happened to be at Childrens' this am in recovery I apologize for the scene in room 5. My mom (Hazel) does not do well with stress and lost her shit. Oh yeah ... lost it big time!
After an hour and a half, restraints, me in the bed with him and three consults with the anesthesiologist we were released. He is much better. But for the future ... Versed = Satan!
Just add that to our can not have list. Good news ... Clemsongirl says they sell binders for those kinds of lists.
Thank god for that ... (and her!)
So ... he headed off and that was the end of it ... so I thought!
Today after school Little Lawyer says to me ...
"Hey when it gets cold you can wear those boots you bought me ... you and I where the same size."
Pretty good idea ... might need some mulling over ...
Then he adds ... "They are perfect for you ... they are pussy boots."
Me: "Excuse me?"
He repeats the same sentence.
Me: "Come again ..."
Him: "You know, girly ... pussy!"
Me: "Do you mean prissy?"
Him: "Isn't that what I said?"
Me: "No baby and let me tell you why you do not use that word ... "
I am sure he will not make that mistake ... ever again!
Cuz I was about to flip my lid and send cases of lipstick in protest!
UPS will be sad to lose that business!
My baby sitting in a hunting house on land belonging to a friend of my father's dressed in his Lands End jeans, long sleeved t, monogrammed sweater, all weather boots and his camo jacket and hat.
Like I said ... not red neck at all. It is actually quite hysterical ... but he loves it.
Where was I? Oh yes ... I dropped him in Anniston, Alabama ... two exits and quite country. The only perk is a TJMaxx that never gets picked over except by me every couple of months. Pretty awesome until you can no longer listen to them call it a "fittin room". So I am talking to Clemsongirl on my way home after purging the Maxx and I am perusing the exit signs for a bit of dinner. She is thinking it does not look good!
My choices ... Waffle House, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Captain D's, Arby's, Martins (scary), Huddle House and Wendys ... not looking good for this fussy non meat eater ... but wait? Is that a Lucky Buck ... Yes ... I am in luck!
My dinner ... Grande Nonfat Latte and a bag of peanut m&ms. Dinner of choice for vegetarians in small country towns!
Monogrammed Vinyl Stickers
Buy one get one free!
(small sticker will be discounted)
Hurry and load up ...
Great for holiday gifts!!!
Add them to purchased gifts or give car monograms ...
(offer expires at midnight on 11/23/08)
Well, she does have some fluid behind her ear that is inflammed, but she has ... pneumonia.
Did not see that one coming ... no siree! She is on the marathon sleep ... so far she has been sleeping since 3 and it is now 9:30. Keep sleeping sweet girl and heal!
Todays update ... Babycakes who is throwing up and has an ear infection.
And yes ... I can diagnose this because I am now a doctor.
Or should be ...
As I was looking around my room I decided it needed a to be rearranged. I have been wanting to do it for a while and finally gave in to the desire. I made a plan on paper, checked it out with Lawyer and commenced moving. He looked at the design ... liked it and I started the work. Remember ... he looked at the design ...
He comes up after the moving is all done and looks around. He looks at a one piece of furniture and says to me ... "Is this new?" Seriously ... is it new? Did I run out in the last hour in my pjs, lack of bra and scary hair and scurry up a new antique dresser. I think not. I moved it from one wall to the wall to the right.
Oh my ... he is not a man for details unless it is at work where he can spot a word change in a 40 page brief faster than I can remove the staple. But at home ... he is clueless.
Maybe this is why Little Mister was able to give him the slip .... ya think?
But this year was rough and got even rougher ... and now I am sad. My favorite holiday is over and I am bummed out.
Let me start at the beginning ...
The kids have viral pink eye. They have been home all week. Fighting, grumbling, watching movies and hours and hours of TV and .... talking to me!!! All week they have been in my space (during regular school hours) and wanting to talk. It was great for about two days and then got really old!!! We went back and forth to the doctor (twice) filled numerous scripts and still their eyes remained red and they remained home!
Fast forward to Halloween night ... we have not carved pumpkins (very sad) and my parents cancel their trip for the weekend (not shocking!). Who would want to come and hang out at the red eye house??
We all line up in front of the house for the Halloween parade ... about 300 hundred people and a fire truck to lead us. It is magical!!! We all head out following the truck headed to the clubhouse for a picnic dinner. Little Mister is a little a head of us in the parade with one of his friends. The parade is on the street and he and the friend are on the sidewalk. Easy enough ...
Until we round the corner to the clubhouse and he completely disappears. I mean ... poof ... he is gone! Are you kidding me ... we fan out and start looking for him and it takes forever to find him. Finally we do and he is sitting with another friend eating his dinner. He has his back to us and I must have passed him a million times but never noticed that he was sitting there. They had an Indiana Jones and so did we and nobody was the wiser.
I have a little breakdown ... we all rally and move on. But no ... it gets worse.
The entire neighborhood starts trick or treating together. We all head out. Lawyer heads home to give out candy and I am in charge of the trick or treaters. My kids are so cute ... they are holding hands and going from house to house together and all seems perfect again. Until ... three houses up I am watching Babycakes trick or treating with her cute little friends and then I notice that Little Mister is heading off to the next house without us. And then the next and he is getting to far for me to watch. I panic ... but only a little because our house is only a couple more up and Lawyer will catch him when he arrives.
But that is not what happens ... Little Mister does the slip up and takes off on his scooter to t&t on his own. Are you for real? Here we have a 7 year old on his own in a large neighborhood without any of us and anyone else he knows. I panic!!! Lawyer takes off in the jeep and it is an hour before he surfaces. An hour. I am now drunk ... and at times ready to puke in the bushes and still no Little Mister. Finally about an hour later he appears ... scooters right up the driveway and says ... Hey Mom!
Are you kidding me ... I cry, yell, hug him and spank him ... I mean he took off. Alone. In the dark. With no one!!!
The evening is over ... at 7:30 ... OVER! And this leaves me so sad. But ... my baby is home and he is safe and he will be 40 before he leaves my side again.
Jane, Medusa, Playboy bunny and Snow White ...
(looks like I may have already had some Swamp Water ... or at least my ears did)
Hugh Hefner and his new bunny ...
We had a great time last night. Friends, laughter lots of Swamp Water ... who could ask for more? Maybe seeing two friends dressed so well you do not even recognize them ... or going to a party with Lawyer dressed in boxers ... oh the good times were a plenty ...
As soon as Hair Girl awakens from her long nap I will post photos ...
That will make your day ... pinky swear ....
Lawyer is dressing as Hugh Hefner and I am Holly. We are pysched. I am glamming it up and not wearing a bunny tail. I do, however, have bunny ears and fish nets.
Thats all I am saying for now ...
"Oh, you are done for ... he is in shorts today!"
Even he thinks he is hot ... I mean, seriously ... how often does a former Navy Seal come to your house as a Concrete guy?
And now he is gone. For good. The job is basically done and he has given his men all of thier instructions. I mean I have his number, but it is not the same thing as our morning chats over concrete. Shouldn't we have weened off our morning relationship? Was cold turkey the way to go?
I am thinking notsomuch and maybe I will be worried about cracks late next week and he will have to pop in to check on the status ...
Hee, hee, hee.
Monday they started on the retaining wall in the back yard. We have a very long wall separating our yard from the play set area. It is very long and is divided in the middle by steps. One side had begun to slide. As in down ... not safe. So Lawyer made some calls, hot men showed up and you are now caught up.
They (the amigos) got working, took down the one side and began to fix the problem. The problem ... the ground under the wall was not good and needed to rebuilt with dirt, rocks and you guessed it ... concrete. So they make some calls and sit around and wait for a truck to bring the concrete. Sitting turned into laying and before I knew it they were all sound asleep in the back yard on the slide and in the tree house. No lie, they all slept for two hours until the truck showed up. Every time I passed the window I giggled ... the one on the slide was my favorite!
Wednesday they moved on to the driveway. Every morning my little cutie showed up in his hotness and I appeared from my house in pj pants, long sleeved t, flip flops and coffee. We stared at the work, made small talk and I acted like I was completely enthralled with the whole process. Oh, do not miss understand me ... I was enthralled ... just not by the concrete. Bright and early every morning same story. Me and the navy seal staring at my driveway. He thinks I am now an expert on the whole process. The only thing I am an expert on is every single blond beautiful hair on his head. Hee hee ...
So one day I am headed out for the day. Since I can not park in my garage, or on my driveway or anywhere near my house I must hike to my car. That part totally bites. But remember a little walking is worth the morning routine! I am walking past all of the Amigos cars and the last one in the bunch always has his trunk open. Every morning like clockwork he drives up, puts his car in park, gets out and opens his trunk. Clearly it is just his thing.
So, nosy little me just peeks into his trunk as I am walking by ...
Hard hats, rubber boots for walking in the new concrete, scrapers of various sizes, trowels and ... a foot spa?
What the hell ... not at all what I was expecting to find!!! But ... I guess concrete work must be hard on the feet.
I sure busted out in laughter ... and in fact, I am still laughing!!!!
(driveway is still drying ... but I will post photos! It is fabulous with the stamped apron and all !!!)
Overnight Sleep study - check
Renal scan - check
Developmental Optometrist - check
Mom and Dad came to help and Hazel kicked ass - check, check!!
Burn left palm and sleep the better part of three days - check, double check, triple check
3 hour IEP meeting where they cracked and Lawyer kicked arse - hell to the yes!!!!
Sell at Junior League Mistletoe Market - check (made tons of money!!!)
Fall up the stairs at the Market and bust 2" blister bubble and make an arse out of myself -
hell to the oh NO I didn't !!!
Take two sickies to the doctor last night (one with strep and one infected toe) - check
Pick up free antibiotics at Publix - check
Hand finally healing - working on that check
Put the house back together - also working on that check ... finished with three rooms only 100 left ... please tell me again why we live in this big house?
Oh my ... no wonder I am tired ... I promise to be back to my spunky self in a day or two ... as soon as Babycakes' fever breaks and she stops crying all day and snoring all night ...
Bla, bla, bla ... ER, strong pain killers, days of sleeping, Clemson Girl calling me "Lefty" and finally I am back to the real world. My hand is still blistered and it hurts a lot, but I am now back to using both hands.
I know ... you missed me, right?
After the movie Little Mister went to the restroom with his older brother and was treated to a tattoo out of the vending machine. It was a quarter and Little Mister is so excited to be treated. Thank God he can not really read yet ...
The container says ...
But not tonight ... as I laid down to read to her Pinkalicious Lawyer turned on her music for us.
I am sorry??? Is that Pink in her CD player?
For real? ... obviously she has been shopping in my music library. She is all about her mergers and acquisitions!!!
And yes ... fell free to line up outside and drink all of Lawyer's mint sweet tea.
Cuz that is definitely my plan!!!
Last night I fell asleep and forgot to take it. Apparently it was noticeable to Lawyer who asked me about it. It could have been because I snapped at him once or twice this morning. But I assure you it was his fault.
So, his says to me ... "Did you forget to take your medicine last night?"
Me ... "Yes, why?"
Jack Ass ... "I was just worried about you ... that's all!"
He is worried about losing his head and various other parts of his body if he does not behave!
And he should ...
1. Junior League Mistletoe Market prep (only one week left!!!)
2. Mom and Dad arrive Tuesday pm (that is a whole other post)
3. Little Lawyer goes on overnight trip Wed and Thurs with school (Thank you Chickfila)
4. Little Mister sleep study on Wednesday night 7:30 pm - 6:00 am ... oh, that will be so much fun!
5. Little Mister has renal scan Thursday morning 8:00 am - no school for him to reward him for how mad he will be after spending all night at the hospital!
6. IEP meeting Friday morning 7 am (and I am not leaving until they crack)
7. Two kids with no school on Friday - WTH??
8. Listen to Lawyer bitch every single day before meeting at how mad he is at the public school
Junior League show, IEP, overnight trip, sleep study, renal scan ... oh my!!!
I will definitely be posting all week and they will be split your side funny ... how do I know? Because if I do not laugh my ass off all week I might start drinking tonight and stop Saturday morning!!!
Stay tuned ... MPM
This morning before breakfast he headed out into the backyard wearing his pj pants, t shirt and ... a hoodie. I asked Lawyer ... "Do you think he will grow up to be a gangster or bank robber?"
Lawyer giggles ... looks at me and says ... "Can't you just hear him? May I please have all your money?"
No lie. He is that polite!
So, it is Friday morning and Babycakes is packed up and ready for the playdate. We get to the bus stop and Lefty is not there. She is still at the house. Lefty's husband is there with their son and Babycakes is ready to go, toys and all.
The bus comes and goes and we are all splitting up for the day. Lefty's husband is headed home and I am headed back inside the house.
Babycakes giggles and says ...
"Um, excuse me ... Mrs. Smith ... aren't you forgetting me?"
I am sure that he will be thinking of that all day.
Because it happens all the time ... she calls him Mrs. Smith.
I know I giggle!!!
I flew home last night and I must say I was very confused! As a traveler I was trained by my parents to dress appropriately. You know ... shirt, slacks, ballet flats and cardigan in case you got cold on the plane. I will admit on the way down I did not miss a beat ... on the way back I had to change after arriving at the airport to be able to board appropriately. And why did my parents insist on looking nice? Well I assume it was to look less like the idiots I road home on the airplane with. Seriously? I thought I was at the bus terminal. WTH??? When did travel become so laid back? You paid $300 for that seat and you are going to wear your flannel pjs and crocs? Are you sure you thought thru that?
Here is what I saw just last night on my flight home ... and please remember it was 7:00 pm when I boarded.
1. Two parents and four kids (all under 8) all dressed in scary pajamas and not even matching ones. And by matching I mean the top matching the bottoms. Those kids screamed and fought the entire 60 minute flight while Dad read the paper and Mom read her book and listened to her Ipod. I am so thrilled they were relaxed!
2. A 20 something in her white velour pjs with multi colored polka dots and her bright red crocs.
3. A 50 something in a tank, tennis skirt and flip flops. Now really ... were you planning on playing in the dark when we arrived in Atlanta?
4. A very tall man in the seat behind me with the stinkiest tuna fish sandwich I have EVER smelled. Closed air = no tuna!!
5. A teenager with white sweat pants and no panties. Dark hair + tight white sweats + no panties = bad news bears!!
Oh, and yes ... please do not yell to the other steward that you left off serving the "Oriental" couple. Oriental refers to food, rugs or vases. They were Asian!
Well after being walked around the yard a hundred times he decided that was enough and ... made a run for it. Babycakes did a face plant in the yard and her beloved dog ran full blast down the street and far, far away. She burst into tears.
Lawyer gave me the speech ... bad idea, knew this would happen, yada, yada, yada ... so I was left to retrieve him. He is running full tilt away from me dragging his 6 foot leash. It was a bad sight. Me in my pjs and flip flops (not even good ones) darting through yards and the street trying to catch one very naughty Jack Russell. For my neighbors it must have been hysterical ... for me notsomuch!!!
After twenty or so minutes he turns back to the house and then darts up the street in front of the house. Babycakes is sitting in the garage bawling!!! She is sure he will never come home. And I promise you at that point I really wanted to just let him run all the way to China. I follow him forever. After a couple of close calls with bad drivers some neighbors and I finally corner him in a yard. Of course it took 5 of us to scare one 11 pound dog into submission. He finally gave up and sat down and waited for me to grab his leash. Smart little pain in the ass!!!
We start walking home and just as I round the corner heading toward the house I see Babycakes. She is sitting on the curb next to the mailbox with her head in her lap bawling!!! Can you just imagine what all the neighbors thought as they drove by? It must have looked like I had finally had it and run away from home.
Now, there's a thought ...
I will post soon ... pinky swear!
But please do not be confused ... my children are all fine and healthy. I am asking for prayer for a dear friend.
Thanks again and please do not stop!
Please pray for healing and peace!
In God's love ...
June and the girls
We are so blessed with the most amazing friends and loved ones!!! I would not make it raising three babies without all the support we receive!!!Thanks ... I love you all!