6.25.2018

Hi ... It's Me


Happy Monday ... I am starting off the week super early.  I was up before the sun, already had three cups of coffee and I am ready to tackle the day and the week. Last week was super interesting for me, I was trying to get back into a schedule after a week of service and I felt so bad with on and off fevers and a cough I couldn't shake.  I slept a lot, sat quietly a lot (so much to process) and spent a lot of time snuggled up with my sweet husband when I was fever free. At times it felt like a long week, and other times it flew by.  I am happy to say I am now cough free, fever free and very well rested.

I have so many thoughts and so much to share ... 


Honestly I don't feel like I am the same person who packed her bags and headed off on an adventure with no idea what to expect.  I don't think the change came immediately, I think it came slowly and then hit me all of a sudden. On Wednesday of the trip I think I struggled the most ... I felt very confused and frustrated because the community needed so much and I couldn't help them in a way that would really change them, or so I thought.  I think we all felt the same way on Wednesday, like our wheels were spinning and there was no real answers or solution.  I remember praying that God would either calm the struggle my head and heart were having or he would show me what to do.  Thursday was life changing.  At the end of the day I remember once again laying in bed with my girl as she was journaling about our day and thinking that I was definitely behaving like Martha when I was being asked to be Mary.  I most definitely am a doer.  I assess a situation and immediately spring into action.  What I do not do is sit and ask for what I am supposed to do, and not supposed to do.  My head and my heart have expanded and I am trying to adjust to all the newness.  Add in our new normal in our lives and I will say my head and heart are most definitely not the same, and in a very good way!  ❤

One of the biggest things I have struggled with over the last few months is juggling what to write about and what to post about during this time in our life.  Since life is so different with my sweet husband's diagnosis it seemed silly to post about what felt like fluff when my head and heart were so deep. For the first few weeks when we only told our immediate family and closest of friends I spent so much time just being very quiet.  I was heartbroken and confused and so very scared.  We had so many appointments to go to, so much to learn and so many questions. I tried to keep up a regular schedule, I wanted to keep posting and writing so something felt like it hadn't changed. I had so many conversations with myself and some days would sit at the computer for a while and then just shut it and walk away. One of the things our therapist told me was to make sure I was filling myself up so I would be able to pour it out on my family and even myself at times when it was necessary. I didn't love what she told me but I had to trust she knew way more than me. It made me think a lot about what the blog means to me.  I started the blog in 2007 when I was in a place where there were no road maps.  I didn't have a book on how to raise a special needs child and how to cope with all the feelings that came with it.  I knew I had to stay connected to my creative side so I wouldn't lose me in the process of days that came with no answers and this time it is basically the same. I have always shared and written about things that inspired me hoping that they would inspire others. I am once again at the place where there is no road map, and I need to remain to be inspired and creative.  I have thought about it long and hard over these last eight weeks and I am still trying to figure it all out.

Another thing I am sorting out is our new "normal" and what projects to take on, which trips to say yes to and what I should fill my time with other than just to snuggle in at home and never leave. As I said before everything feels a little silly with the magnitude of our new life but at the same exact time life has to keep marching on.  We have been handed these cards and we all indeed to play them to the fullest.  That means I will still work, I will still travel (with a lot of thought behind each trip), I will still take on some projects and we will continue to poor life and inspiration into each day.  It isn't always easy and some days are really, really hard but this is the kind of trial I speak of a lot in my Sunday postings.  We are in the trial and we will stand on firm ground and cling to the Word and walk through each one.  Funny enough it is my husband who is asking for things to be as normal as possible and me who is struggling to catch up.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about Reward Style and blog links and all that comes with it.  When we were fundraising for Haiti a good chunk of our close to $4500 came from all of the links I added to posts and Instagram stories.  I was so proud of myself for being able to help fund something that was so important to my girl. Your support of my blog and our trip meant everything and I am well aware that every single link you clicked on helped us.  Then we met the lovely people in Haiti and truly began to understand every single thing they didn't have.  My first thought was I would not be continuing my links and then it seemed like a bad idea.  I went back and forth all the way home on our long two days of travel.  The decision I finally made was to continue my links and my shopping posts and to use them for funding things we are passionate about.  The best thing we can do for our new friends in Figuier is to sponsor children to go to school. To truly change their lives the children need education which offers opportunities for their families.  I am all in and my girl and I have picked some kids we love to support which will help our group who is also supporting children.  The word will spread and our goal would be to have support for every school age child.  Little by little we will make a powerful change.


Where am I going with all of this?

I am sure you have noticed a decrease in posts both on the blog and on Instagram.  There will be some of that.  I can't keep up with it all all the time and I am perfectly ok with it all.  Some weeks will be packed full, and some may be missing a day. I am working to find my inspiration in the chaos and I am getting there little by little. The best part ... my kids are great, they are all strong and happy. Their faith is growing in all the right ways.  They are everything we hoped they would be in the crazy and I am so very thankful for it, that specific prayer is answered every day.  It is me who is trying to find me in the new normal.  My instinct is to retreat and to protect and to do the things.  As I learned in Haiti, I wasn't called to do it all.  I was called to trust, to pray and to do what I am asked.  I will say this ...  I do love my work, and I love this blog and I will find the balance.

One day at a time.  ❤❤❤
 

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