8.06.2020

8.06.2019



It has been a week.  Full moon, getting kids ready for back to school (one virtual, one in person), and just catching up on school paperwork, sports physicals, all the things.  I have spent so much time in my car the last week and it has worn me out.  Add in a pup with issues and I am spent.  I can recall a time months ago where this was a norm and I am truly thankful for the pause and rest Covid has given our family.  Wow ... so much has changed

As this date came rolling in this week I have had so many thoughts.  This is the day one year ago when we began our hospital journey, the day Lawyer had surgery to remove his GIST tumor.  Last summer was a blur prepping for the time I knew I would be out of pocket caring for him.  I planned all of July to have two to three weeks off to be with him.  All of my plans, although so good, were so not what God would ask of me.  How life has changed, how He has changed me. 

I guess I have to start at the beginning, the day he was diagnosed with Cancer in 2018.  I still recall being hit by the truck that was the word cancer ... it was brutal.  I was not prepared at all for those words, having been so sure it was nothing and we just needed to get it checked out so we could scratch it off the list and get back to the business of our son who was healing from his mental health issues. I remember it so vividly ... I said, "it's fine, let's just triple check". 

I was so very wrong.  

From the moment I told the children we all agreed we would rely completely on Jesus.  I picked out a verse for us and I told them the same things the doctors had told me.  It will be a journey, but he will recover, it will be long, but it will be ok.  Just cling to Him, trust Him, and lean on each other.  We can do this. 

Those words were so real and true once the rubber met the road after surgery.  I was lost and weak and so scared, and yet not really.  I don't know how to better describe it.  I can't believe I did it all, survived every single day, woke up and kicked ass.  Honestly it blows my mind.  And then, God. I know this sounds awful to some, but I do not know how some do it without Jesus.  There were days I was led, others I was held, and more I was carried.  My dad recently reminded me of the hours and weekend we spent in ICU watching him in serious pain and so weak.  It was truly the worst thing I have known and the only time I could see nothing but black.  He was bleeding from an artery and they could not repair it.  For a week he bled and for a week Jesus carried him in complete safety. The details of our journey are miraculous and precious and hard at times, but also so very sweet.  

I think back on those moments and it is all fuzzy, in some ways good, and some ways hard. I have to look through my phone to see the precious things I screen shot, the beautiful verses I clung to, the notes, the details that God was in and in control of. There is no doubt in my mind He was in control, He was the author of our story and He deserves all the glory. 

I have said it many times, and I will say it again.  I am not the same person.  I would not change it but sometimes I miss the carefree moments when I did not know that kind of pain.  But then I would miss the sheer joy I know now.  We are so thankful for every single day, every single moment, even the ones where the whole family is together arguing over how to load a dishwasher.  It is life and I love living it. 

I think this day will always bring me to pause and to share.  I hope that never changes, it gives me time to scream to all ... He is Lord and He is always Good. 

I love you all so deeply.  Thank you for following us, for praying for each of us, and for standing in the gap for my family.  💗

5 comments:

  1. Thank you for your wonderful testimony to God's faithfulness!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I’ve truly thought if your family & prayed for you all so often since meeting you last summer in Dallas. I felt at the time that would have have an unexpected journey like we had with our child...God bless your heart and your faith. I look forward to your blog everyday!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I do believe today's post is one of your best! Thank you for sharing your pain, hope, happiness, joy - and everything else. So beautifully written!

    I have just lost my baby brother and the knife in my heart will remain with me for the rest of my life. But you have helped me by reminding me to take a page from your book - I am always thankful for everything I receive but I need to learn to turn my troubles over to the Lord and let him help me achieve some kind of peace. I appreciate the reminder...thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Paige, I'm new to your blog- your family's story is heartbreaking and inspiring all at once. From California, I am sending you light and love.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Paige, what a wonderful post. My God continue to keep and bless your family.

    ReplyDelete

 

design + development by kelly christine studio