12.28.2020

Well, Hello There!


Well, helloooooo!  

It has been so long since I sat down to write a blog post and honestly I was very ready this morning to sit down with my laptop and try to process all that has happened since I wrote my last post.  I had no intention of taking any time off and, yet, the plan I had was most definitely not our reality.  I was zooming along the third week of November doing all the pre-Thanksgiving things and trying to slowly whittle away at my Christmas list really looking forward to celebrating our oldest on his birthday and eating the yummiest Thanksgiving dinner. The week before Thanksgiving at 2 am on Thursday woke up to a very sick and sobbing husband who was clearly anything but ok.  After a few hours of trying to manage it on our own I headed to the ER around 6 to get him some help.  I was pretty sure he either had a liver issue or there was something wrong with his gallbladder.  He was violently ill and very much in an emotional state thinking of having to go back to hospital.  It was awful.

So from that time I dropped him at the ER to the time I checked him into the hospital the next evening is a little of a blur.  He was so sick and honestly should not have been let go from the ER that day, but it was just the way it all happened.  By the next morning the pain had only gotten worse and he was running a fever so we quickly got into see a surgeon who ran more tests and immediately decided to operate.  I dropped him a the hospital around 7 pm and sobbed the whole way home having to literally drop him on the curb.  With all of last year's surgical issues and hospital stay we both were having trouble processing what was happening.  He got so sick so fast with zero warning.  The details of his ER visit and the next day have so many Jesus moments and I am 100 percent He was paving the path for us.  He was admitted into the same hospital, he was on the floor above from his "home" floor of last year and he was able to be cared for by people I knew and trusted.  Our surgeon was magical.  He called me so many times, let me cry when I processed all that was happening, and promised me with his whole heart that they would care for him and not release him until they were sure he was safe.  It was awful, but the people were amazing, and once again I was immensely blessed.  He was admitted to the hospital on Friday evening and the plan was to give him some fluids and iv antibiotics and operate in the morning.  

I went to sleep. 

Looking back now I realize I was already not doing well emotionally.  I was devastated to have to leave him.  He was so upset we could not be together, as is best with Covid. All of the processing, journaling, and emotional work I did to handle the crazy of last year felt like it was instantly gone.  It was as if a scab was ripped off and I was bleeding so bad.  I was most definitely having PTSD even though the situation was so very different and he was not in any immediate danger.  We knew his gallbladder was infected and needed to be removed and we knew it would not be as simple as a laparoscopic procedure since he has scar tissue and  lot of things they needed to avoid.  But other than that, this was a simple fixable issue.  My emotional response did not equal the situation and was most definitely so much more.  I knew I was struggling but I also did not realize how much. 

At 6 am the hospital called me to let me know that the standard Covid test required for surgery came back positive.  POSITIVE.  I asked her to repeat herself many times.  She suggested I take myself and the kids to immediately get tests and told me the surgeon would call me with a plan.  From here it just escalated as I was definitely not doing well.  I was sobbing and had multiple panic attacks.  I woke up a best friend to get some help and make a plan.  I was a mess. All of the months we had kept him home and taken extra precautions was for nothing as he was positive.  The one person in the house who could not get it was positive and I had so many emotions and questions.  I quickly ran through the week and realized he had been at the hospital on Tuesday for his quarterly scan but came immediately home.  Had we messed up?  What did this mean?  Was the gallbladder not that but actually Covid?  My mind was filled with concern and so many questions.

I share that to tell you how I deal with these things.  I remember telling my sweet friend I was taking a shower and going to pull it together.  I sat on the floor of the shower and gave every single bit of it to Jesus.  Just like when you break something or sweep the floor there are a lot of pieces.  I mentally swept them all together and used my mental dust pan to leave them all at the feet of Jesus.  Then I did it again.  I needed to make sure I had it all to leave it with Him as I was 1000 percent unable to process all that was happening.  On top of my dad dying three weeks before, we were in the last weeks of my son's senior year and it wasn't looking good, my mother was sick and struggling, and now this.  I was completely useless and helpless and needed more strength then I had. For me a hot shower and a good "sweep" session along with an emotional release is a great way to get focused.  The last few years have been hard and I promise you Jesus has either held my hand, walked next to me, or carried me on a lot of the days. I would not have made any of it without my faith. 

Fast forward to the end of Saturday and we were all tested and awaiting our results.  By the time the day ended my daughter was showing symptoms and was not feeling well at all. I wasn't sure if she was just worried or really sick but either way we were in quarantine. With Nathan's history and his lung issues of last year the surgeon had called in the pulmonologist + infectious disease doctor to make sure he was cleared for surgery.  They scanned his lungs and spoke to the ID and the news was amazing.  He was positive ... but did not have the virus. His lungs were clear and he was showing not one single symptom.  Nothing ... he was asymptomatic and we would not have even known he had it had it not been for surgery.  When our results came back my daughter was positive and the rest of us were negative, but we all were in quarantine since we had been directly exposed.  He had surgery on Saturday evening and I slept so well that night of pure exhaustion and emotional chaos.  He was safe, the infection was being controlled by antibiotics and he would be home in about five days. My girl was doing well on Tylenol and the rest of us just needed to be careful.  

When I think of how incredible it is that the one person we had worried about and prayed for all year was asymptomatic I am blown away.  He never did show one symptom and, even though surgery was hard and his recovery has been slow, he is safe. Not one sniffle, no fever, no cough, no loss of smell and taste ... nothing.  NOTHING.  I am blown away by this blessing since he will now have antibodies for months and hopefully be able to do a few things like go to dinner or see some friends.  We have had him in the house for so long and I know he is craving some normalcy.  As I am writing he is working downstairs and prepping to go to an eye appointment.  I don't have any where near the worry I had before, and now we just wait for him to be eligible for the vaccine. 

For me the falling apart had just begun.  I missed him terribly on Sunday and Monday but we face timed and talked when we could and I dropped off some items to the hospital and was able to wave at him with the help of our dear nurse friend.  I was thrilled to see him and knew he was where he was supposed to be.  Tuesday morning I woke up very, very sick.  I had a fever, felt like I had been hit by a truck and instantly knew I was also positive.  My test had been done too early ... and now I was symptomatic.  This virus is crazy.  My girl who tested positive had a headache, body aches for two days, a slight cough, and immediately lost her taste and smell.  By Wednesday she was taking care of me and mostly back to herself. Mine started with fever and a cough and then the next day added in a terrible sore throat and headache and by Friday I had lost my taste and smell. My cough was terrible and kept getting worse by the day.  It was the sickest I have been, but thankfully, I was not in need of any medical care. With Tylenol, water, and sleep I was able to recover. 

Thursday (Thanksgiving) we brought him home.  I am not sure which one of us cried more the first two days.  He needed so much help and I was so sick.  My sweet girl took care of both of us for the first few days and I don't know how we would have managed otherwise.  We ordered Chinese for dinner and most of us ate soup.  It was a mess.  I missed my son and Thanksgiving and I just felt so defeated.  I was in many ways delirious. 

The next week I was much better and when I got out of quarantine I caught up on work.  The first week of being sick I pushed through and wrote my blog posts.  It was crazy, I should have just put it off, but I did not.  Since I had three sales right before getting sick I had so many items to ship once it was safe.  I was focused and worked to catch up but I was still so very tired.  The virus is awful.  It hurts to breathe and to cough and you are so very, very tired. I recall setting up our dining room tree and thinking it took me two days instead of just a few hours.  Every single thing was so very hard.  I do love photographing and sharing our home during the holidays and I hope the images I have shared and the video tours I have made help to make up for some of the lack of posts.  I will say I have loved the videos and your feedback. 


And then I realized I needed a break, I was not doing well at all.

Over the past month I have truly rested.  I decorated our home as I could and enjoyed every single moment of it.  I took naps when I needed to and cried when I had to.  Nathan has gotten stronger every single day and is now basically back to full steam, with some residual pain. His incision is fading to a scar and he is gaining strength with each day.  A few days before Christmas I had a Covid follow up and even though my chest still hurts some my lungs are clear.  I have some other residual issues, but other than that I am fine.  Most of all I just need to heal. 

I miss writing every single day, but I also need to take this time to really take care of me.  When my son got sick two years ago the therapist told me to write every single day.  To push through, even when I didn't want to, to have a release and to have something I had to do.  I am thankful I did it then, but this time I have to take a break.  The reality is my body is still healing and I need to let it.  I tend to do more than I should and this time I just can't let that happen. I will be back on January 4 for a regular schedule but for now I am taking care of me.  With the loss of my father + his surgery + the kids being home I am taking the time to heal emotionally and make sure I completely heal physically.  I let myself get so very stressed this year and it was a really bad plan.  I know better and a good reset is called for immediately.  Not only will I be back to blogging that week but it will be my first Shop Pink Clutch sale for the year.  I can't wait to have things feel normal once again.

The love you always pour on us when I ask for help is like none other.  I always want to share inspiration and joy and this reset is going to be so good for me ... and the blog. I have a list of things to write about, some interviews I want to do, and I can not wait until travel is a monthly thing once again. Thank you for supporting me through the good and the hard, it truly means every single thing in the world. 

Happy Christmas week and cheers to a brand new year!  ❤

29 comments:

  1. Oh Paige! I’m so sorry to hear all that you’ve been going through! I’m glad to hear y’all are doing better. Praying you get the rest and restoration you need!

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  2. Please take care of yourself. You don't have to be perfect all the time. We will enjoy hearing from you when you have healed inside and out. Take care!

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  3. I'm so glad to hear that you and your family are doing well and are making it through this ordeal. I'm very sorry for the loss of your father. I hope this holiday season is a time of great healing and rest for all of you!

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  4. Oh my goodness Paige, you and your family have been through the ringer! I am so happy to hear all of you are recovering and doing much better now. The old saying "When it rains, it pours" really is true in your case. I am so sorry to hear of your Dads passing and I know the Lord really walked with you and held you up during your husbands surgery and the COVID. I was wondering if your smell and taste have come back? My cousins wife had a mild case of COVID and it took forever for her taste and smell to come back. Praying 2021 is a better year and that this vaccine is distributed in a timely manner.

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  5. Blessings to you and your family! Rest, recover and relax. It will all be here when you are ready.

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  6. Take all the time you need to heal, we will be here, praying for your family and you

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  7. Just this morning I was thinking I had not received a blog post, from you. Please do take care of yourself. What rocky path, you and your family have been on!

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  8. Oh Paige! I kept checking your blog for a new post and wondered if you were just taking a break. I am SO sorry for all that you and your sweet crew have been through. I’m so glad Lawyer is doing well, and you are in the mend. Take care of yourself. We will all be here for you when you return. XO

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  9. Bless your heart!! Yes, take care of yourself and your sweet family. Blessings for a Happy and Healthy New Year!!

    Julie

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  10. Thank you for the reminder of God's faithfulness!

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  11. Thank you for sharing your story and the way you have tried to heal. It is encouraging to me as I am sure it is to others as well. Prayers for y’all as we move into a new year. ❤️

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  12. Please take of yourself! We will be here when you are well again and feel like writing. I love the way you described giving it all to Jesus. He is the only One who can truly help us and you were smart to turn to Him. So glad you and your family are recovering!!

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  13. Thank you for sharing your experience and the way you have been trying to heal. It is inspiring to me. I am certain it is to others as well. Prayers for you and your family as we enter into a new year. ~ Melissa Tice Simpson

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  14. Oh Paige! I literally wept as I read your post.

    Thank God you all came throught this whole and healthy. You of all people never take a single day for granted and I know God is watching over you all.

    All the best, my dear -- we're all praying for you

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  15. Paige, BLESS YOUR HEARTS! When it rains, it pours, and you all have been drenched. I am so sorry for all that you all have had to endure, but so thankful you are all on the mend. Take good care of yourselves, and get lots of rest, and we will see you in the New Year! God is good. Cheers!

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  16. Oh my goodness, you have been through so much! Glad to hear everyone is on the mend.
    Merry Christmas!

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  17. Paige - I am saddened to hear of your loss. I’ve gone through Covid so know it’s brutal and am keeping you and your family in prayer. Take care of you and your family. Hugs from Texas!

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  18. My goodness...you have certainly had an incredibly difficult few weeks. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and all of these health issues. Prayers for all of you while you rest, recover and heal. I hope that you will all feel back to yourselves soon and can get back to smiling and enjoying life! Hope that smoother roads are ahead!!

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  19. Paige - I am so sorry you have had so very much heaped on your shoulders in such a short time. But the human spirit is amazing and with the help of those above, you have come back with even more spirit to power though what the Lord has given you. I admire your honesty and openness in sharing all of this - and I do mean "all" - with your readers. I can only hope and pray that 2021 will be better for you and Nathan (I went through very similiar issues this past March) and that we all emerge from this pandemic stronger and smarter. Sending prayers and good thoughts to you and your family...Susan

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  20. I am so sorry to hear of your news but glad that you and your family are on the mend. I am a social worker on a Covid Recovery unit in a hospital and the advice I give my patients is simple, just 3 little things 1)eat (if you can), 2)sleep and 3)exercise (which is the physical and occupational therapy they receive daily). So just eat, sleep and exercise and the day will come when you feel physically strong again to get back into life! Praying that 2021 heals us all both physically and emotionally!

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  21. Wow! The fact that you were able to write this post is a testimony to your deep faith. Take the time to heal. We will be here. Your family needs the best you, not us.

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  22. Wow, your honesty, openness, and your faith walk is amazing. I am sorry about your Dad, and All that you and your family have endured. Through your words, I can sense the difficulty, pain, and heaviness that you have been dealing with. At the same time, I can also sense your faith, and the strength that the Lord provided you with as you gave "it" all to Him. It is Totally Godly Wisdom that you knew and followed through with the "down time" that you need to rest in the Shadow of the Lord's healing presence. I pray in Jesus' Mighty Name that you and your family will have a refreshingly relaxing week. Have a Blessed New Year, and take care. In Christ, Paula

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  23. I am so sorry that you and your family went through all that. I am glad you are doing better. You deserve a much needed rest. I pray you and your family have a safe, healthy, and blessed new year!

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  24. I follow your blog from Brisbane Australia and I felt something was wrong when you didn’t post. I thought Covid was responsible and worried that with your hubby’s medical history that it might be him. I’m so so sorry for the loss of your dad and now your families brush with the virus and your husbands surgery I am so impressed with how you have coped and yes take as much time to heal as you can. We in Oz are and have been so lucky with this virus there is something to be said for living on an island at the end of the world!!! My son and his wife live in Panama City and heavens knows when we might see them again. Lots of love to you and your family. I look forward to reading about your home and life again when you are able. Lindsey Back. Brisbane Australia ❤️❤️

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  25. I am so sorry you and your family have gone through this. You all are in my prayers.

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  26. I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying everyone is feeling better in no time and you can finish out the year healthy and well rested.

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  27. Sending you prayers, love and a hug.

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  28. I knew something was wrong because your posts were not occurring. So glad you are on the mend and your husband is as well. Debbie in Missouri

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